sober.

No more of it.
I'm jaded and cheated when I was supposed to be the one out for the kill.

And I grew tired, I hated every single kisses shared.
Thinking of you makes me sick.

Tell me, did you poison me?

I need to remember this.

The door slammed shut and I was surprised to see you.
Its almost Christmas holiday and weren't you suppose to go off for a holiday, Your Xcellency?

"Damnit!" As you began to pour misery to me, while I welcome it with wide arms open.
Misery loves company, and if you're misery, I'll forever be a hell nocturnal sun of a gun for you.

"Thing is, I can't go back home!"

It didn't start out so well.
You drank the whole scotch and began to trash my condo.
Something about work, about your life, everything about love, about loneliness.
As I sat there, helpless I couldn't help but feel a little hurt that none of me is mentioned.
And then you wounded yourself.

I hate my impulsive reaction, or stupidity had me thinking you were really intoxicated, when I took the broken glass out from your finger, I put your fingers in between my lips, ready to suck out the blood and I wasn't even ready for your reaction when your slap left me dazed and shock in embarassment.

After that you didn't utter a word while I cursed myself with everything worth of damnation.
I lay limp on my bed thinking that this could be the last I'll see you.
Thinking if you're ok next door, sleeping or still in anger.

Yeah babe, you're quite a monster when you're mad.
I'll love you anyway.

Then the soft knock on my bedroom door.

"Its not funny and you're not Edward".
"Sorry".
"No, I am. But you don't have to be the angel to a mad dog, you know".
"You're not a mad dog".
"Tell me, what do you think of me?"
"You're upset"
"No. To you, who am I?"

"You're beautiful".
"What?"
"You're crazy".
"Maybe I am"
"Hah!".
"And I love you".

"Oh".
"Oh what".
"I'm sorry"
"For what?"
"I don't know. This is not right, right?".
"Yes. Its not right, but I won't make it wrong."
"But can a kiss hurt?"


And then that's that.

unconditional lie

I have to be with you to breathe.
I think I've never been so foolishly in love like this before.

While in the car, you paused my CD changer.

"Tak nak la lagu bising-bising".

And you played your music selection. Some love song.

I told you "would it be nice if the one I like give this song to me"
And you said "I won't do that. I'll play it to the person I like myself"

Like what you're doing to me.
Like what you're doing.

"Its getting late, do you want to stay over?"

I couldn't say yes, but I wanted to.
I'll love you, and I'll protect you like a child.
No matter what.
I'll love you unconditionally.

Lies.
Whatever it takes to have you by my side.
Even when I can't have you.

The eclipse overture

I must be drunk when I wrote the last post.
If this drunkenness state makes me fall in love every other day, I must be constantly drunk.
Silly. For I am dead and gone for The Highness. Vice versa.

Because when i'm sober the highness is just a passable memory, sweet but easily forgiven.
Guilt must have made me sought for the Highness, but that was it.
I love, loved and always will be in love.

Now there is someone new to be excited about.
i'm forever guilty to the Ring Bearer, but this time the eclipse has taken over me.

And I'm rightly sober.
I'm just mad, but not drunk this time.

World, meet X.
Why X?
Because X connotes everything there is. X is wrong but still its it marked when you're filling your options. But then again, its a clue for all you outthere....

I can't for the life of me wake up without your smile in my fucked up head.
And I'm drowned and pulled to you more than I think I would.
I have no strength left and I don't want to be helped.

I thought this would be a temporal fling, like to L, but it has been almost a month, and i've been putting everyone off to spend my time with X. To be with X.

This calls for something deep.

I know its wrong, its not gonna work, its against my own faith to what I believed in, but can't love just survive on its own?
Smile, and my heart is full with content.

That is all I ask for.
I love you, and I ask nothing in return.

when did I ever stop

loving you..?

You weren't my first love, but you mended the broken pieces I held for the first.
And now it bleeds seeing you with someone else.

Why did I found you when I lost you?
Happy its not the right word when I would've been happier not seeing you again.

But I bleed for you.
Like once your heart bled for me.

This is a nightmare.
You came up to me, heightened in excitement with friendly affection, when you began to embrace me.
My angel, my dancer, my grace,my wine, my love, my life.

You're beautiful.
You frustrate me.

The soft scent of your skin, the innocent lips, the naive intention of an angel.
Why wasn't there a speck of resentment?
Didn't I break your heart?

In return I knew it was me who wanted you to hate me, for it would've been easier for me to forget you. It would've been easier for me to stop adoring, loving you.

In return I rested my head on your shoulders, playfully like a friend when I did that to shield you from the truth I can never be a friend.

I delved deeper in emotions. And held you closer.
I loved you once, and always would be.

How can I let you go again when you're not even mine this time?
Can this greed erase all the painful memories of the others?
Will you forgive me?

I closed my eyes when you kissed my cheek.

If I am the director of this movie, I would've died when you were all mine.

God, can I turn back the time?

clumsy

the crime scene

Lucky for the cool breeze. Autumns.
I was sweating like a pig while trying to figure out whats wrong with the car.

Or was it the sheer embarassment from having to make a lifeline call to someone whom I suspect have feelings for me?
All you know, it could've been me, getting all excited of having a valid excuse to call.

This is what happened:
When I returned from Taco Bell, the headlight was blaring on.

Yes I'm that clumsy.
For a sec I thought I was lucky no one saw me leaving the lights on.
But that thought dies when I realise I'm stranded alone in the parking lot open to any maniacal attacks.

L was just being nice, not hitting on me.
sape yang perasan nih.

I gave up.
When I dialed L's number and began my pathetic story the car battery turned out flat, L just said: "No big deal. I'll pick you up ".

"Sorry L"

"Seriously, no biggie. Look, I know this sounds rash, but I'll do anything for you".

But as I sat in the stinky car I smiled broadly: ah who's being clumsy now?

how the grinch stole...

How the grinch stole Xmas is a passe.

New world order demands it to be corrected as:

How the thief grinched the Eid.

(Well not too bad, the Thief fails to make it miserable, so I fail to be a miserable grinch)
Me a happy grinch.



Selamat hari raya, people.
Don't choke on your tat nenas.

hail to the grinch

solitary vision, charcoal on paper by Anita murphy

Its the time of the year again.
Which usually I sulk and suck at it, feeling like an in-bound outsider.

Families.
What are they for, lest to make you feel complete?
Its always because of one person that the jigsaw puzzle remains incomplete.

But its not me.

Surprise, surprise.
A secret I can't never tell

While to the rest of the planet, I'm just the grinch.

I bruise easily

My skin is like a map of where my heart has been.
And I cant hide the marks its not a negative thing.

no (copy)cat

I decided not to get a pet afterall.
I'm not always at home, and not that they allow pit bulls in a condo.


Fashionably I could say having pets make me look like Paris Hilton, but stuffing that big agenda into my pocket would dismiss any suggestion that I'm actually over you and I care when you name your pets my name (but still. Damn it, Captain!).

Why why why why why why.
Do you still think of me?

Godzillion years has passed between us.
And it should remain dead.

You're a master in pulling the strings to my emotions.
But I'm no slave of yours, and I will not pull it back.

So there goes cute litter boxes. Ha!

blink

blink 182?

ridiculous.
it only took you a blink to get me off your system and now you're naming your pets (with variations) of my name?

I take in consolation that you still weep for me.
but still its so wrong seeing my name on the tiny tombstones with the letter R.I.P.

this calls for revenge.

tgif

Selamat hari jumaat.

To the guys in the office, please don't skip your prayers for lunch and a fag.
I'll happily deduct your o.t.

And to the girls,enjoy your shopping.

The delight of my eyes.
Friday, that is.

please stop

I can't stand the way you look at me.

The eyes, I can't even tell:
Is it guilt, or is it pleasure seeing me so tormented?

I want to so much tell you how happy I am with my Baby, but you wouldn't just listen, would you?
Captain, why go on telling yours?

Thank God for Ray-bans.

dead end

Some nights this troubled me while the nightmare kept on repeating itself.
When I pulled my true love close to me in my sleep, it is you in my dreams.

I see your face.
I see the surprised regretful face.
I see the ring.

And I was too late.
But I didn't want to come, remember?

Oh wretched heart, stop aching already.

The dreams lost, and its not you that I want to be with.
So why do I regret your dead end, to your sorries?

always?

I drove up north while thoughts racing in my stupid head.
As if going the opposite direction would really make me further from you.

Congratulations, your royal highness.
This crown of jewels is not for you. Never was.

And you said in between your sobs, that you should have begged me to come.
And what?
Break my heart into pieces again.

I wished you well.
I told you I will always pray for your happily wedded life.

I wish you dead on your altar.
That way, I'll be less resentful and I might forgive you.

bollocks

I dream that someday I can take you away from them.
But what are my dreams, they're just bollocks.

I'm not that evil.
Just that my hormonal change controls the good part of my brain.

After a few snacks and strong willed smiles, I hope I'm forgiven.
I shall return their child and share with them the joy loving you.

wall

no I'm not going there to watch euro. Far from it.
Where you can hear "argkh" and "ka-ching!" thats where I am.
Berlin, auditing.

My Baby is not feeling well.
I'm the jerk-ass on the other side of the planet not even calling to say Baby I miss you.

I fear my worst if I break down and Babes, your strength is what I need....

being overpaid

I'm overpaid to do my job that I'm not even doing.

Here's a secret:
Because i'm paid with an expat allowances!
Wooooo!

Never thought I'll menabur jasa dan budi di tanahair sendiri kembali.
Uuuu I feel treacherous.

sorry

I'm with someone beautiful. Baby, you're so beautiful it hurts but you don't even know it.

How come when Fatty fatty gets someone good looking hurts as well?
Because I'm convinced Fatty fatty don't deserve it because of the two horns behind the head and a cursing mouth, not because of the fatty black adipose tissue Fatty fatty has.

Can I just stop feeling so irregular????
Damn.


Okay okay I'm sorry.
I pray you all the happiness you can find with your mamamia gorgeous one.

skin deep ugly

I don't mind ugly people.
My entourage is full of fat people, and they're the nicest people on this planet.

Skinny people like me is the most pathetic beings, overly-conceited and self-absorbed.
*Cough Cough*

I like blondes only if they have brains.
I don't think brunettes are that appealing anyway sans the brain.

Fair,eh.

But come on la Fatty fatty. You're fat and ugly and you're a jerk.
Even I don't point other people's stupidity and plain choice of life like you do.
At least show to the world that you're doing some justice.
If there's black, there must be white? that kinda thing.

Ugly and bad just don't jive.
You give people with beautiful heart and lesser looking mortal a bad name.

i'm not green

in envy

i'm dizzy or the hulk has taken over

with your hollywood lips-smacking good looking partner.

I just don't get it.

Makes me wonder if I'm equally ugly like you to have an equally good looking lips-smacking partner.

Stupid! you don't marry a face!

lucky devil

I know if I am other than being a Malay, I will never be where I am.
Oh, but that's not precisely correct.
I'm half Malay and mixed with all this things that make me beautiful. Oh yes I blame my genetics for my skins and bones but not my destiny.

I got grades.
Fate's on my side, yeah?

So why'ca point ya yello und brown finger to me?
I'm going off to Dubai next month has got nothing to do with my race.

anomaly

I didn't stomp on the grounds, nor did I spit on it.
What a waste of my good cells for such a godforsaken place.

The place where I got bruised and raped.
Where I got my first kiss and my heart broken.
I saw my handwriting on the wall that says: If its not that painful anymore -circa 1998

Even if its not painful, I'm surprised that it isn't, but I don't worship the grounds which you and I used to tromp upon, dear Captain.

I'm not in love with you anymore.
And if there's anything more hurtful than being reminded that I was, nothing will ever be.

i'll be safe in iran

because they're no gays and lesbos.
I can cut the chase and be happy wagging Ahamadinejad posters to these buggers.

But no. I'm going to Dubai.

skipping alumni dinner

Trinity College. Oh Glorious Cambridge.

Other than making me a person capable of counting dollars and cents and sense correctly, its just a place I used to go. And sleep for more than 6 months for holidays when I should be reading more books but I read more than any other average people. So I'm not completely useless.

But I don't miss it.
Made me wear the Italian suits, girls and boys drool over me but I can't be the fool though I wish I can be. Let loose and be free.

How can you miss the prison that make what you are.
Proud of what I am, with or without education.

everything burns

I'll stop grieving over you, Your Highness.
For you, everything I bestow.

suicide note

I'll kill this self.
The innocent self that loved to the grim of death, the captain of doom.
That I sold my soul to the devil.
Raped, molested and pleasure of lust for a white wings of the high and mighty.
Where I'll never belong.

I'll kill this self.
The tormented self, broken to the brim of insanity and picked by the merciful angel.
Pure and sweet, your royal highness for you everything I bestow.
Greed and vengeance had taken its toll on the mistaken victim.
I shan't be forgiven.

I'll kill this self.
The spiteful self, the mourning and grieving.
I'm lost in space, and you're the sun of my universe.

I'll kill them all but the sun. But the sun shines on me. But the sun.
Where no darkness reigns.